Things have been a bit of a mess for me over here again the past few weeks. My anxiety flared up again about three weeks ago – starting over health stuff but peaking a week ago (Monday, it was a full moon) over everything.
If during depression ‘the mind lies to you and says there is no hope, there is only more drudgery‘ during anxiety the mind lies to you and says everything is a big deal, everything is overwhelming, everything is out of your control.
And so a week ago I found myself up all night, the accumulation of it seems like hundreds of tragic world events and some more personal events as well, leaving my mind racing with incoherent thoughts and worries, my body unable to take a full breath, heavy and tense.
I was anxious about the ‘world’, ‘humanity’, (it seemed like the human condition has never seen so dire of days), several people and situations in my personal life and also myself, for not being able to get my shit together and get my problems in perspective (again).
Often when my anxiety fire is burning high, I begin to function from a place and mindset of scarcity. All my worries and fears about not enough (time, resources, forgiveness, acceptance, love, not being enough) that won’t let my brain rest are flung to the surface. I’ve said and thought many things that I have regretted in the past few weeks and it has felt pretty yucky.
One of my core beliefs is abundance: enough time, energy, love, enough acceptance, enough resources, a place for everyone. I feel at harmony and alive when I am functioning from this place and I want to always operate from this place, yet don’t. When I’m not that is when the yucky comes in.
So I strap on my bracelet to remind myself: beloved. It is a reminder that everyone has hard things going on I most likely don’t know about, even if it all looks shiny and pretty from the outside. It is a reminder that they love their people with the same fierceness I love mine with, and at the end of the day want them to be okay, safe, accepted, appreciated and loved, just like I want for mine. It is a reminder that this is how God sees all of us, God’s beloved children. It’s a reminder that, yes, me too. Even (especially) when I am a hot mess.