Friday we drive through the mountains

Friday we drive through the mountains. They tower above the car, still covered with snow and I am mourning.

Occasionally waterfalls travel down the grey rock, melding with the ice and dirt. I want to stop and rinse my face in one, feel the water coat my hands, cup them, fill them. Lift it to my face. I want to stand under the water until I am saturated.

Saturday I plant vines. Dirt cakes my nails and I think of water turned to wine and words written in earth and how these hundreds of brown sticks we are planting look dead.

With my toddlers hand on my thigh and dirt under her nails too, I think about the mystery of shoots unfurling, green leaves filling out and the thousands of pounds of grapes that will be harvested from this barren looking field.

I think about a lot of mysteries. I think about how beautiful things come from dust.

It seems I was just welcoming the fall leaves

It seems I was just welcoming the fall leaves under the stars with my baby and now we have already had another full moon come that is beginning to wane. I am looking out the window at our forest, bathed in white. We have had snow already, several batches and are solidly into winter, thankful for yesterday and today when the sun came out and it was warm enough to venture outside without multiple layers of winter gear. Winter lasts a long time here in our Alberta city, usually through most of fall and well into spring.

October where did you go? You spun by with too many meetings and conferences and obligations  and issues and kids being sick, quite frankly, and October 2012 right now is remembered as a month where I did nothing well. Myself, husband, kids, friends, projects I'm passionate about all were attended to, but still suffered slightly like wrinkled laundry I washed but left in the basket unfolded and now is slightly disheveled, rather than clean and crisp.

But thankfully new months come and I learn and I grow and a new balance of what is good and healthy for me and my loved ones will be attempted. In the midst of all the too much, the yelling, the nagging, the dirty house, the just two more minutes, we found goodness - we watched our moose, read books in front of the fire, walked through our snowy woods, celebrated thanksgiving and Halloween, started indoor soccer and piano, stayed up late and snuggled often.

I tried to be present because what I really want to remember about October is how Liam is so helpful and kind and gracious, so much like me when I was the oldest, trying to help out my parents as I could. How when I take five minutes and snuggle with him at the end of the day on his top bunk, he tells me more than he does all the rest of the day. How he is a head taller than most kids on his soccer team and how at his game this weekend, he stopped to help the other player up and make sure he was okay when there was a size difference mismatch (and resulting unintended knock over) in an attempt to take the ball away. How he started piano lessons and he can do it and how his most favourite thing in the world is still to be altogether, just our family (followed closely by playing Lego.)

And Raine how she is either pure joy or pure sadness, she wears her emotions out there for all to see this girl. It is either dancing and skipping and singing, making pictures of rainbows, playing with her kitties or full out crying, inconsolable until she is ready but she will take a hug while she is suffering, thank you very much. Our fridge it is filled with her art and she calls herself an artist and a gymnast because those much agonised over gymnastics lessons - she loved them and will be going back for more.

Haven-Kate, how she runs, but it is one speed, she starts running and doesn't get faster and when she stops it is just immediate, no slow down period required. And how she can be so sweet, please mama, I love you mama and how she can be so honest and unsweet, when friends come over she says 'My no want them at my house' because she doesn't want any other two-year old touching any of her two-year old things. How when I was working too many nights in a row, and she missed me, she asked for Liam to come and lie with her and was asleep in two minutes. Oh and yes, how she went down a full-sized, grown up water slide (just a simple one at our local pool, nothing theme park fancy) all by herself six times in a row.

The doldrums of October made me pray that please by the grace of Jesus, let me not screw up too badly with my kids, and my marriage and those others I love, which on most days is really is all I can hope for I think.

Now November is here and I am ready. I feel fresh and clear. Delving through those October depths have brought me that.