So…

(Originally written for facebook)

I’ve got some not awesome news and that is that I have cancer. I haven’t been very public about this yet as I wasn’t sure until recently where this was headed (and hoping it would just be a little blip) so I wasn’t feeling the desire to make it ‘facebook public’ so to speak. The world feels a little crazy right now and the last thing I would want to do is add to people’s feelings of overwhelm or take away from anything else currently going on. Instead my intention is to hopefully increase compassion and connection for whatever is going on in your own life. I tend to have a lot of thoughts about this right now so if you are interested here are some of them.

As it has become apparent this won’t be the little blip I hoped, I still debated about keeping this very quiet and asking people not to share but there were two issues with that. The first very practical one is my husband is not a private person and a part of how he lives is being very open. Therefore I want to be somewhat open here too so people who know both of us aren’t only hearing things from him and people who I am close to but he isn’t aren’t left in the dark.

The second issue is that we live in an interesting time of facebook and instagram and all other sorts of social media. Overall truly I love social media – often I think it spreads joy and hope and connection and provides a place to get some empathy or learn about something new, support a cause you are passionate about or heck, even just good suggestions for what to read next.

However, I am getting closer to forty and as I have aged this has become a life truth: hard things happen to everyone. Everyone you know has either recently had or is having or will in the future be having a hard time. This is just a part of life, there aren’t any exceptions I have observed, just as I believe joyful things happen to everyone as well, if we can have the eyes to see them.

Now social media doesn’t always make it look that way because hard things are often very private, as private or more private than the things that bring us the utmost joy. Here is why: perhaps your hard time has to do with your child or your partner or your sibling. Perhaps it has to do with finances or health issues we find embarrassment around or our childhoods. Maybe it is something you feel shame about so isn’t safe to put out there for everyone’s input. These are things we can talk to our most inner circle about but they are not things most of us talk about online. Because they aren’t just ours to tell and most of the people in our online worlds don’t need to be privy to the details. The details cannot make sense outside of a close relationship context or it just simply isn’t a safe subject to open up. Maybe we think that because our hard times seem easy compared to others they don’t count so we keep quiet. This of course is utter crap, hardness is not a contest and empathy, as a woman I love says, is not a nine piece pie. There is enough to go around. So because of our respect and concern for others involved (including our very own selves) in our hard stories, they often don’t show up on social media and we are stuck in a place where it may appear that so few of us are actually ever having hard times.

In fact the hard things can sometimes be so absent from social media that we can sometimes start to think we are the only ones going through struggles or at least the struggles that aren’t on the nightly news. We can sometimes even start to feel jealous and angry and resentful of people who look like they have it all together.

So I decided to share as a reminder that whether it is out there on social media or not, if you are having a hard time you are not alone. You are loved. You are cared for. I hope you have people taking good care of you. You are not the only one with shit blowing up everywhere and living with fear and worry alongside any joy and hope. I know you care about things outside yourself and want to change the world to be a better place, no matter how much energy you have to give to that right now or not.

If you are not having a hard time right at this very instant, I hope this will be a reminder to be compassionate to others because we can’t be sure of what they have going on. A reminder that while lots of us have good lives, none of us have perfect lives. A reminder to be gracious to others because we are all still learning and stress often causes us to not do things to the standard which we would prefer. To be happy and celebrate as much as possible other’s healthy boundaries or joys or celebrations that they do share because who knows what else they have gone through, aside from what you are seeing.

As for me I have appendix cancer (one in a million so likely you haven’t heard of it or known anyone with it before.) If you are interested in the more nitty gritty details of that I wrote a post of the history and where things are at currently on my blog: http://www.leahcolbeck.com  Otherwise I’m super grateful that I know so many people who believe in taking good care of the people around them – whether we know of any hardship they may be having or not because this is what the world needs. I will also say in advance I appreciate all the love and prayers and am so thankful for that.


Photo because I still believe God made this world so beautiful and full of love.

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Nitty-Gritty

As a continuation of my last post if you are interested here are the details as to my case – if this is way too much information please skip on – I just logistically need someplace to send people to as at this point I am not taking time to explain my diagnosis to everyone in an attempt to spend as much time healing and with my loved ones as possible.

In October I had an appendectomy where they found a low grade appendicital neoplasm in my appendix, not appendicitis as anticipated. This is a type of tumor that spreads via mucin (think mucus) and unfortunately at the time of surgery my tumor had already ruptured my appendix exposing my entire abdominal cavity to the mucin. The surgeon also saw growth on my right ovary but left it in place, unsure as to how the biopsy would come back and also unsure about my reproductive history.

I immediately started (and continue to do) to see holistic practitioners and use many, many holistic type treatments in hopes it would stop any growth and kill any remaining cells. So for all my holistic minded support system please don’t think that because I am pursuing onocological treatment I haven’t sought out other options and supports. My goal is to live a regular length of life, watch my kids finish growing up and hopefully even hold my grandchildren one day so please know that is where I am operating from.

In November I met with both a gynecologist and oncological surgeon who both agreed that based on my biopsy my right ovary should be removed completely. If all they found during that surgery was the growth on my ovary and the biopsy came back matching the original I would be monitored very closely for at least ten years to make sure no new growths were forming but as far as immediate treatments that would be the end of the road. At that point in time I was worried that the cancer would return at some point but also very positive that at this time there would be no new growth found.

In early January I had a colonoscopy that was all clear which showed good healing on the inside of my colon on the surgery site so that was exceptionally good news.

January 18 I had my right ovary removed on very short (2 day) notice when I was still expecting another 4-8 week wait. My abdominal pain and nausea had been increasing and I was very positive about getting this surgery out of the way and putting this mess as behind me as possible and hopefully avoiding chemo and further surgeries. 

Unfortunately during surgery there were new lesions (growths) noted on my periteneal lining. This led to another few hard weeks of fear, anger, worry and sadness similar to the first time I learned my tumor wasn’t benign. I didn’t blog about it because I thought I would spare everyone reading about that all over again 😉 If you didn’t read it the first time it is the three posts labeled ‘Surprises’.

Now I am waiting for another surgery called a cytoreductive surgery plus hyperthermic intraperitoneal chemotherapy (CRS/HIPEC) that is frankly, a doozy. Even on oncology sites (which we can all agree cancer patients are subject to some terrible surgeries) it is refered to as MOAS which stands for Mother of All Surgeries. So yes I am a scared about it. Yet I am very thankful it exists as it has only been used for the last decade. While it is not considered a ‘cure’ and isn’t 100% effective, previously people with Appendix cancer were all considered terminal so overall I am beyond grateful to all the medical professionals who have spent their careers developing it and that my chances of five year survival are high (80% or so) if my surgeon considers my surgery ‘complete’. Complete means that they were able to remove all visible evidence of the disease.

I don’t have a date for this surgery yet but will update here when I find out. In the meantime if you are a praying/sending energy/light person I would love prayer for first and foremost obviously healing and that growth is stopped! Also prayer for accessing surgery at the perfect time for my case, that I am operated on by the best possible oncological surgeon for my case (there are two in Alberta, one here one in Calgary who perform this surgery), that my surgery can be considered complete, and that I do not have a reoccurance. Also for continuing to feel comfort and peace which even through all this craziness I can say totally truthfully I have felt. For this I am very grateful. Finally for reduced fear, stress and worry not just for me but also for those people who love me as well.

As far as practicals go until I have my next surgery we are kind of just life as much as usual as possible over here and we are doing okay. Emotionally, mentally and physically  there have been many ups and downs already. To say this has been the hardest thing I have done (and it’s not done yet) is understating. We are taking it one day at a time trying to encourage and uplift, look for joy and look for hope. We are beyond grateful for all the love and suport we have gotten ❤️


 Picture because I still believe God made the world beautiful. 

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Lent is coming

Lent is coming, a month away still but I was asked to contribute a devotional to my church for our Lenten devotional guide. The question asked was ‘What is God doing in your life right now?’ I almost backed out of writing it as my situation right now is so extreme but in the end decided that even if one other person needed to hear ‘I’m not sure’ with honesty it would be worth feeling exposed.

I expressed my doubts to a friend and she in her wisdom answered ‘Highlight reels are for facebook, not for building faith.’

So just in case you need to hear ‘I’m not sure what all this is about and that’s okay’ here it is:

This fall I had an emergency appendectomy that looked textbook heading into surgery. Upon waking up I learned they had found an appendiceal tumor and also some growth on my ovary. Over the next months I was diagnosed, at age of 37, with a rare type of cancer that originates in the appendix.

With literally a one in a million situation occurring in my life, it has been hard to understand what good God intends to come from this. I have felt scared, for my kids, my husband, myself. I have felt angry. I have yelled at God and have cried many times. I think often about the woman who had the faith to reach out and touch Jesus’ cloak for healing and I ask daily for her faith, her certainty in Jesus’ goodness and mercy. Truthfully most days I’m more like an overtired toddler having a breakdown, clinging to Jesus’ leg while he hauls me around. It’s okay I know he doesn’t mind.

It feels vulnerable as a lifelong believer, to admit here, that other than feeling broken down and pushed to my limit, I’m not sure how God is using this.  This too is okay; God is big enough for my uncertainty.  I know that being broken down can lead to greater trust, greater faith, more reliance on God and I try to lean into those promises.

One thing I can say with certainty is I have always felt God’s presence holding me – through every test, all the waiting, the surgeries. Even though I’m not sure where this is headed, I can sometimes see this is all that matters: God is with me, God loves me, and God is good.

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Perspective and circling

I was rear ended last week and perhaps the good thing about rear ending someone who has recently been diagnosed with cancer is that (in my case anyway) they might not sweat it. Yes my car needs fixing and going to the police station and calling insurance took up half my day,  yes my back and shoulders are sore but my girls who were with me are a okay (thank you car seats) and we are all alive. I hugged the lady who hit me, she was shaking, apologizing over and over and I told her, it’s okay, they are just things.

Things can be fixed and at the end of the day they don’t matter as much as we think they do, beyond food and clothing and shelter to keep us healthy and dry and warm.

It is a little like cancer. Perspective. As far as cancer goes I have it pretty lucky. Low grade is in some ways better than high grade or heaven forbid aggressive. Caught relatively early and I had my colonoscopy yesterday and there weren’t any lesions in my bowel or colon: also pretty lucky. Having my main tumor removed without complications already is lucky. *Possibly* not needing chemo also very fucking lucky. Being able to live without everything there is growth on right now – lucky.

This doesn’t mean it feels easy or that I feel lucky. Even yesterday after the happy colonoscopy result I felt pretty numb, likely in part from the colonoscopy prep which involves over 40 hours without solids and crapping out about 30 cups of fluid followed up by getting a camera put where the sun doesn’t shine (I will laugh about this one day but that day is not today) but also because whenever a test or procedure or call happens, it is there again. A reminder. Real. Something growing in your body that shouldn’t be. Before the colonoscopy results could really sink in I got a call from my other doctor (I have a bowel oncologist and a gynecological oncologist) telling me she was moving ahead with scheduling ovary removal. Again good news(ish) but also hard, a reminder of what is still to come.

Every time I feel positive and well and like “by the grace of God I got this shit handled” I think that will be it. I will be strong and positive and happy each and every day until this is over with. I will be grateful and zen and drink my green juice and take my supplements and essential oils and pray and say my affirmations and see my acupuncturist from now until forever if I need to.

Until I’m not feeling that way anymore.

I had a moment of supreme irritation last week thinking ahead to the colonoscopy and again yesterday getting the call from the gynecologist where I felt so angry at myself about my emotions. About how I was feeling scared again. I’m incredibly grateful in a logical way for the positive colonoscopy yesterday, but the week before it really settled in that this was happening because they might find something else. 

I was mad at myself that I was feeling negative feelings again. But more than that I was upset because I realized that this process will continue until this is done and that makes me feel so, so tired and also beat down. I realized I will circle through  feeling like good will come from this, that I will be refined in ways I both knew I needed and in ways I had no clue and how beautiful that will be and between feeling not so redeeming things like anger and fear and general bitchiness and self-pity.

The harder parts of the circle seem to trigger another round of ‘I shoulding’ myself (I should be handling this better, I should be being more positive, I should be more grateful, etc., etc., etc.), followed by another round of mourning, needing comfort and burning some fears up.

I’m tired now, this week especially again but it’s okay. It’s okay to not always do everything well.

It’s okay because I have been through this a few times already. I will lean into what is getting me through, continue on in this circle, and come around again to the top.

img_7066

Giving thanks – even on the hard days when I don’t feel like it. One of the things I’m leaning into.

 

Posted in Cancer, Living with purpose, Mental health | 3 Comments